WyzWmn's World©

this will be my last post from the Fanny Bay Farm

I used to love the drive here

there was a real sense of security and coming home for me

this is where I repaired my relationship with both my father

and my spirit

Dad’s gone now

and there’s a big hole in my life

I’ve had my big ugly cry (more than one in fact)

and I’m sorting through his stuff to see

what I’d like to keep

and what my brother and sister

would like to keep

it’s hard

and it’s final

and it is definitely an end to an era for me

I’m sad

I miss him

it’s one thing to sit down and discuss what needs to be done

it’ is entirely another to actually do it

the drive out here is no longer happy

the safe haven is gone

we’ll see what the future holds.

I’ve spent a lot of years
chucking crap
about Mother’s Day
being yet another
Halmark Holiday

I’ve come to understand
now
that my nattering
had a great deal to do
with my not ever having
really been a mother

I didn’t have midnight feedings
or colic
I didn’t have diapers
and skinned knees
I didn’t have your first word
your first step
or your first boyfriend

I didn’t even have your
suicide

I gave birth
and then you were gone
I knew you were going
but it didn’t make it
any easier

here I am 37 years later
and I’m no more a mother
than I was the day you were born

still
once again

“I think you should know

that all those years ago
even thru the anesthetic
when they took you away
from me…

I heard you cry

and for all these years
even though
you didn’t know it

I loved you and still do

I just wish
I could tell you

good bye
my love”

Happy Mothers Day
to all of you mothers.