WyzWmn's World©

It’s 11:30 at night
and once again
I’m too tired to sleep

I thought 8 fucking hours
of mind numbing
data entry
today
would tire me enough
to sleep till Tues

but no such luck
11:30 and I’m old
that’s like 2 full hours past my bedtime dammit!

my head is fulla
shit
and it won’t shut up again

did ya know that my shit talks?
actually it mutters
alla time
non stop
running commentary on every little thing

“are you gonna fall down them stairs?”
“wouldn’t it be awful if you fell down them stairs and broke yer front teeth”
“if ya fell down them stairs you’d get some time off”
“who dressed you like this?”
“get offa the couch and do something!”
“naw – don’t do anything…just sit and become Jabba the Hut!”
“go for a ride!”
“did you eat enough?”
“this place looks like pigs live here”
“shaddup”
“you were supposed to call for perscriptions today?”
“wonder what size of a boat it would take to get me up waterskiing”
“OMFG I’m full”
“who told you that you could lay down?”
“don’t forget to call Chris and Arlene and tell them about the dog food recall“
“I thought you were going to order a bra and sneakers from Sears today”
“did your mother let you out looking like that?”
“jayzuz”
“yer psychotic”
“no – you’re psychotic”
“shut up”
“no you shut up”
“I need a belt my pants are falling down”
“you wish yer fuckin pants were falling down”
“lay down”
“did you turn off the stove?”
“lay down”
“do I hear water?”
“lay down”
“yer psychotic”
“lay down dammit”
“is it rainin?”
“will it rain on Sunday?”
“when will I stop coughing?”
“lay down”
“yer psychotic”
“shaddup and lay down ya fuckin tool!”

until I get into bed and relax
and then it shrills and screeches

“did you take yer pills?”
“then why are you still awake?”
“do I smell smoke?”
“is someone in my yard?
“shut up dummy?”
“I need to buy a car”
“who’s gonna fund that?”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
“do I smell smoke?”
“did you take yer pills?”
“go to sleep”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

sometimes
if I get the right combination
of tired
and bored
I can get to sleep
like normal people

but most nights it’s the muttering
till the shrilling and screeching
“SHUT THE FUCK UP and GO TO SLEEP!”

“does anybody else hear music?”

giving credit where credit is due

once upon a time I belonged to an all woman riding club
they weren’t anywhere near me (the closest member to me being a couple of hundred miles away) so we kept in touch via the Internet

I adored many of these woman and was impressed with the strength, sisterhood and solidarity I found there – I wasn’t too keen on their version of “hierarchy” but went with the flow because it made sense to do so if I wanted to be a “real” member

over time I did get to become a “real” member – with the assistance of one or some of the ladies that I’d grown close to – I took an oath to the person at the top – to hold her first….to be full and true

Then there came a day when it all went wrong

for whatever reason some of the ladies made some radical changes (I was never privy to the whys and wherefores)

these changed completely threw the lady at the top for a loop

she and the person that was closest to me geographically and the only person that I’d met physically told me that the changes were as a result of a lack of “integrity” in the woman that were forcing the change – that they were in fact staging a coup and trying to take the club that she had started away from her

my fairness gene kicked in and I chose to stand with these 2 women
and as a result a truly disturbing time came along…
the end result being that I completely severed communication from all of them…
(see what happens when you take people at their word? and how easily words can me miscontrued when there is no facial expression to go with them?)

it left such a void in my life….I had no contact with any of them for over a year and then I happened to run into some of them on one of the forums I frequent.
I almost quit the forum because by that time I was sure that the lady at the top and her friend that I was closest to had lied to me – I had no proof – only gut feelings and I was both saddened and embarrassed for having been taken the fool (we all know how well I deal with that shyte)

I decided to “impersonate an adult” and stay on the forum but to steer clear of the ladies I knew so as to avoid any kind of public displays or perhaps confrontations

but I still missed all those ladies and another year went by with me vicariously spotting them on that forum

recently, at the behest of another friend, I made application to be in touch with some/most of those ladies again….I just decided that the worst thing that they could say was no….and then I’d be no worse off than I am today

and after some discussion and explanations
I have been given a chance (in my eyes) to return….I explained that I thought I was following my oath….but in the end I don’t think all of them believed me and in fairness, they were likely as hurt by my actions as I was by their’s.

here’s the thing – one lady alone had such a profound effect on me that I eventually started the sister blog to this one in which I post daily “quotes” as this particular lady has done so on the women’s site in many variations for years

this particular lady seems to be the person hardest bit by my having followed the lead of the lady at the top at the time….my impression is that she must feel betrayed by my actions…no matter what my explanation is or was.

this particular lady – of all the ladies there, can not or will not speak to me as I guess I have yet to prove myself worthy – or trustworthy

but I can’t help but thinking the fact that I really have to give credit where credit is due…and even if she won’t talk to me and never does again – I just have to put it out there that she truly affected me in a positive and profound way – and for that I am truly thankful

Thank you Linda.
No more and no less