WyzWmn's World©

Daily Affirmation:
I choose this path.
My path is filled with promise.

a FB friend had this on his status today
I think that each day I wake feeling like it’s new
but somewhere along the line
over the course of the day
I get “the rude awakening”

I’m working overtime at being positive
but sometimes ya really gotta just
“let it go”
currently the fadder’s favorite saying
and his ability to “let it go”
by saying the words
out loud
is driving all of us
bonkers LoL

another friend’s FB status said:
“I am an oasis of truth
in a modern desert of political correctness
that accepts mediocrity,
where everyone is a winner
and no one has to TRY
to be declared spectacular.
Do not ask me questions
you do not want the answer to.
I will not conform
and tell you
what you want to hear.
I will not drink
your Kool-aid
and tell you that
it’s OK to give up
because
“at least you tried”.”

now what kind of dichotomy
do I find myself in
where both of these status’
profoundly affect me
this morning?

must be the return to coffee
Yay!

I’m off
to another Dr’s apt
this morning
I wonder what stellar observations
and profound facts
this one will have for me?

a friend suggested yesterday:
why go back to eating
the way you did before?
it’s not like not eating
anything you enjoy
has made your disease
stop in it’s tracks?”

I think that it might have
made me one of the lucky one’s
maybe eating that way is the reason
that I’ve had this disease for 30 years
and been in remission for about 10
and mostly been able to deal with it
without too much bother…
and am just now starting
to have the kind of trouble
others that have the disease
have reported to me

but have I really been in remission?
how is it that I’ve enslaved myself
to the prospect of “medical benefits”
allowed my self to be mistreated
and abused for same
and religiously taken
conservatively speaking
“a bajillion” pills
every day
watched my hair fall out
watched myself gain
over 100lbs
ate only what I was supposed to
and still
ended
up
here?

WTF?

course there’s also the suggestion
that the gut disease and diabetes
are exacerbating each other….
who knows?

the VOD also suggests
that it’s no longer
ridiculous to consider
that my having had
abdominal surgery
at 21 days of age
(for the first time)
all those years ago
(almost 56 yrs ago)
could have any bearing
on an abdominal disease
that for all intents
and purposes
acts like
my guts are rotting
from the inside out
and I’m back to eating
(like) tapioca
but sugarless tapioca LoL

(side rant:
can I just say?
I’m sick to death of people
suggesting that I’d loose weight
if I just ate more veggies
or legumes
or less fat?
fuck off!
do you think I don’t know that?
you go suggest it to the gut Dr then!
end rant)

I’ve had to make some hard decisions
I’ve cancelled my holidays
because of the job search
and it’s deadline
the added stress of blood work
several times a week
and overall malaise
I just can’t justify it
no matter how desperately
I want to go and sit
around a fire
with my friends
I just can’t go

so
with all the shit currently on my plate
I can’t even get excited about
the race to the Stanley Cup
like every other person I know
seriously…
I.don’t.care.right.now
some rabid Canadian
I turned out to be eh?

I keep trying to remind myself
that it’s all cos of the full moon
on the 15th
but mostly I’m in a feast or famine stage
I do nothing
or I do so much I hurt myself.
no in between for me dammit.

I remain
my very own
“live and in person”
conundrum

heeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrreeeeeeee’s Wyz!

just when I figure I might be getting back to normal (whatever the hell that is) I go to the Crohn’s specialist thinking that there’s nothing wrong

not so much

I’m now on a cancer drug as an immunosuppresent
and I have to have  blood work once a week for 4 weeks
then twice weekly for 2 weeks
then monthly likely for the rest of my  life
and the drug may or may not cause acute pancreatitis and/or liver damage (drug induced hepatitis)and/or spongy tumors (cancer)

I told her I feel better Crohn’s wise than I have in 30 years
she says “but you are not…and I want to start on an anti depression drug because this is what stress has done to you”
which is when I told her about the cipralex I’m already on as I’d forgotten to mention it and that would have been the drug that she prescribed

I could just cry…I’m tired of being stoic…just accepting everything as my lot and moving on…

so
my Crohns is now not just in the lower bowel on the left side
it’s all the way through my small intestine too…and fully engaged – my bowel has started to thicken and constrict which means that it is very likely only a matter of time before I’ll have to have a chunk cut out…
she also talked about CPP medical pensions for depression – and I said that I’d rather work so I can feel like I’m contributing to which she said good…but you can’t be governed by stress anymore – so if your next job is as stressful as the last…you are outta there!

and she wants me to go back to not eating so many fruits and veg…no oranges, grapefruit, lemons or limes, apples, seeds, nuts, bean sprouts, tomatoes, celery, cucumbers, corn, white bread, wild rice, peppers, pickles, relished, popcorn, jams, marmalade, nothing processed….

and just wtf will happen if I don’t have a new job by Aug? a new job with benefits?

Shoot me now….cos there’s no stress in that eh?