WyzWmn's World©

I spent the whole day today
fighting the urge to cry

right from the moment
I got out of bed
I wanted to weep
yet somehow
couldn’t allow myself to

we had an employee satisfaction survey
to fill out today
and the nutcase boss
advised us how to answer

that’s ethical
not!

I’ve come to realize
that without further education
I’m not going to get any further in that place
no matter
how smart
or savy
or skilled I am….

which means that I’ve got
2 more years of work
before I completely come to a stand still
in the paygrade area
after that…I just stagnate
for ever and ever…

and yet
while it would be the perfect place
to educate myself
because it is specifically designed
to facilitate education
while holding down a full time job
and I could do it for half price

I’m stymied

I’m stymied because
I can’t make a decision
as to direction
Project Management?
Human Resources?
official basket weaver?

and I’m stymied
because I know
without question
that my health
would not stand
for me to add
approx 15 to 20 hours a week
to my current workload
over the time it would take
to complete

so
I’d end up with an education
and be at death’s door

I’ve been fighting with
this here computer
for a while now
for some reason
about 3000 of my mp3’s
have decided
that they won’t play anymore
and no amount of trying
to back date this machine
to when they were working
seems to make a difference

once again
I’m a prime example
of a little bit of knowledge
being a dangerous thing
and mostly I’m just really tired
of being frustrated with the damn thing

I bought a car
while I was off on holidays
and while the payments
are as low as one can get
I’m still concerned about finances
and gawd knows
I can unrealistically worry about money

and I’m allergic
to the chemical “new” car smell
so it’s made me sick
but it could be something else
cos about have the “institution of higher learning”
is out with some kind of death defying galloping crud
that is laying healthy people out
flat on their backs
for 2 or 3 weeks at time

I’m scared I’m gonna get it too

taking last week off
found me coming back to work
having to make up
10 days of work
in 4 days
with little or no consideration
from the nut case

my two friends
that are leaving us….
actually left the Island today
and while I know in reality
they are only a phone call away
I’m sadder than sad
about the idea
that I can’t just slip an hour up the road
for coffee
although I can count the number of times
I did that
on one hand

it’s just the knowing
that I could have
had I wanted
that made me feel secure

all of this is topped off
by finding myself
sitting in front of the tube
this evening
watching “Out of Africa”
and crying like a baby

seems to me
that there’s gotta be
a break in the grey
that my life has become
sometime soon
before it’s too late

must be time to get the crochet hook out
I feel an urge
to
crochet my way
to mental health once again
coming on

sad days
sad nights
call for sad music

the sound: Seals & Crofts – Hummingbird, SuperTramp – Fools Overture, Rory Gallagher – Secret Agent, the Beatles – Free as a Bird, Tom Waits – Waltzing Matilda, Bruce Springsteen – Streets of Philadelphia

Round about the time I remember to close my yap I hear Greybeard chuckle and tell Robert that he should ‘pay his debts’ as opposed to trying to wiggle outta them.

There’s a couple of tense moments while the 2 groups of men glare at each other and then Barnyard pipes up and invites them to a bbq.

Robert looks perturbed but agrees, and Greybeard nods his head and allows as he and the boys may be hungry after the long ride.

“There’s enough goat for everyone” Robert answers.

As if by magic there’s a full relaxation that comes across the group and almost immediately the tension leaves and these people start to talk and laugh and joke amongst each other.

Again I find myself gawping.

“Two minutes ago I expected gunfire and now they are sitting side by side at the fire discussing bbq technique….” I muss.

As I begin to relax I spot Rosie walking from the garage towards the fire and I make a beeline to head her off and get some answers. She laughs as I approach and tells me that I look like a woman on a mission. I admit that I am and that I want more info. She sighs and agrees that maybe I do need some background then ushers me into the big barn like garage so that we won’t be overheard.

We settle onto a couple of shop stools and both of us light a smoke in silence, then I start with something eloquent…”what the fuck was that all about??”

“What?” she asks, playing stupid.

“that’s the second near shoot out between those two in two days…what the fuck is up with that?…And now they’re sitting there like brothers cos there’s food? Come on!”

Rosie shakes her head and smiles as she says…”They are sitting there like brothers because they are brothers….birth brothers not just blood or riding bro’s.”

I’m gawping again…I just know it. “Well what’s all this shit about debt? And what was in those saddle bags? And why does Robert keep referring to me as if I was a product? And how the hell did BarnYard get away with suggesting supper?”

Rosie laughs as she gets up and walks across the end of the garage to the an old “Coke” cooler…the kind that with the sliding doors on top and slots to hold the bottles by the neck…she reaches in and pulls out a beer “want one?” she asks before she continues.

“Sure…as long as you start talking…I’m like to have a cardiac trying to figure all this shit out” is my reply.

Rosie brings me a beer and settles down again. “Robert and Grey are brothers, hard to imagine considering how different they look, same mamas, different daddies. There’s someone else here that’s their family too…betcha can’t figure out who?”

“I don’t really care…except to say that it’s likely Barnyard cos he’s too stupid to get away with some o the shit he does and says.”

“Right on the money!” Rosie replies….”Grey….Barnyard and Robert…are 3 of 13 kids….7 boys, 6 girls, 3 fathers. Irish Catholic, and as tough as the day is long. Story has it that the first person to shoot Robert was Greybeard and that was over a fight they had over Barnyard…who’s the baby.” Grey’s the eldest and BY’s the baby and there’s 11 more of them in between….betcha also didn’t know that all 3 of them boys are my brothers?”

“Brothers? yours? waitafuckinminute! Didn’t you tell me yesterday that Robert owns the bar and alla you? What the fuck is up with this place? Can’t I get a straight answer outta anyone?”

Rosie laughs at me again…”yer quick on the uptake little girl. Robert does own us…he’s now the ‘father’ in our family…at least he is since Grey left us.”

“Ok…Grey’s yer oldest brother and Robert lands somewhere in between, and he gets to treat you like he does cos Grey left?”

“Right again” she says as she takes another pull on her beer. “Once our last daddy died and it became clear that Momma wasn’t gonna be able to keep us all together we started working towards makin the family some money…each in our own way.”

“Well,” I harrumphed, “if my brother tried to turn me out to flat back, he’d find himself sitting in a puddle of his own blood.”

“Be careful with your mouth little girl, don’t let it take you places that you have no knowledge of.” Rosie said as she set down her beer bottle, rose and walked out of the garage.