WyzWmn's World©

I think I may have figured it out

I think the reason
that the job is “hurting” me so much
is cos of the constant negativity

cos it’s exactly the same shit
as I have to live with
day in day out
in caregiving for the VOD

case in point….

last night I asked
“what do we have to do tomorrow?”
she says
“go pay for the car insurance”
I says
“but we’re ok till the end of Feb”
she says
“actually it expired at the end of Dec”
I says
“but we talked about this last week
and you told me that you’d checked and it was good
till Feb 29″
she says
“no I didn’t”

I’ve only been saying for a year
that I want her to give me the damn bill
when it comes in
cos I’m the one driving the damn thing….
but no

so I’ve been an unisured driver
since Jan 1
gak!

so we go
but as we leave I tell her we need gas
“well can’t you get it later” she says
“I don’t think so” says I
she says “the gas indicator reads 1/4 tank”
I says “Ma…I keep tellin you it’s been broken for a year”
she says “well I don’t want you driving all over creation
without insurance”
“it’s on the way” I says as I’m thinkin
“why is today different than yesterday?”
she goes into hyper drive
about me not listening
to her needs
and I pass by the gas station on the way
to the insurance place
where she decides I can’t come in
she wants to do it on her own

she comes back to the car
some 20 min later
and says
“I lied to them…..
I told them you don’t drive the car”

I say “but mom…you don’t drive the car
I’m the only person that drives it now
which is why I wanted to pay for the insurance
in the first damn place!”

I take a couple of deep breaths
and ask where she wants to go to now?
“grocery store” she says
“ok” says I “there’s one right across the parking lot”

“I don’t like that one” she says
“ok” says I “which one?”
“the one out by our house” she says
“the one we share a parking lot with?” says I
“no the other one” she says
“the one that is exactly the same store
as the one across the parking lot here?” says I
“it’s not the same” she says
“it’s ugly”

so we go to the grocery store
and while we are in the parking lot
she announces she needs to go to the bank
“which bank?”
the one 20 min away in the same parking lot
that the insurance company and
the ugly grocery store is in
so we turn around and go back
and once she’s done that
we go back to the non ugly grocery store
where she walks around for half an hour
and comes out with a trashy magazine
as we get in the car I ask
“can we go home now?”
she says no….she needs to go to the liquor store
it’s on the way home
I start the car…
pull outta the parking spot
into the middle of the lot
and the car dies
outta gas

*sigh*
I walk across the street
to a gas station
and ask to borrow a gas can
they don’t have one you can borrow
do you have one I can rent?
“no
but I can sell you one
2.5 litre bottle for 12.00″ she says
“are you outta yer mind?” I ask
but what choice do I have?
so I buy the can
then I remember that the gas laws in this province
changed yesterday
so I ask…”do I have to prepay or can I use Fast Pay at the pump”
“we don’t do Fast Pay” she says
“well then what’s that 3 foot fucking sign
out there that says Fast Pay for?” I ask

“oh” she says

I get the gas…and take it back and put it in the VOD mobile
and then I go back over to the pumps
and buy a tank fulla gas
by which point I’m raving like the lunatic I am

“we should go home” the VOD says
“before you kill something”

ya
right….

I’ve spent years
angling my life
towards the job
I now have

I cleaned up my act
I got clean
and
I got to be “an adult”
I got healthier…
I learned to compensate
for my lack of education
and I strove to get a job
worthy of myself

so I got a job
at an “institution of higher learning”

I didn’t go to work there
because I thought I was smart
I know I am
I didn’t go there
because I had something to prove
I’ve proved all I need to in my life
and
I didn’t go there
because I think I’m better
I have no sense of entitlement
I felt that I earned it….

I went there because
I thought it was the payoff
I thought the big game plan
was gonna pay off in the end
that I could work
over the few years
I have to retirement
in a beautiful place,
surrounded by fair
and intelligent humans
and that for these years
I would be able to
work to live not live to work

Two days ago, Hysteria finally slipped a cog
and “accused” me of breathing too loud
yesterday, she full on snapped
and came flying out of her office,
slammed the door to the hall
and leaned over me at my desk
bearing down on me and
shrieking like the fishwife she’s turned out to be
all because I put my hand over my ear
while on the phone with a customer
to hear the person I talking
while she was barking orders
from the other room

There’s no question in my mind
that if I took all of the info
about what truly happened yesterday
and went to the “authorities”
I could take her to court and win

she’s manic, menopausal,
and as a Gemini
it’s like she’s two people and one of them is full on nuts
so ya never know which person you are dealing with

she’s a micro-manager of the minutiae
but can’t organize her own damn calendar
and she’s bitchy cos she went to Herbal Magic
and laid down 2500.00 to have them help her lose 25 lbs
and so far she’s just hungry all the time

the venom that came outta
that woman
I’ll be a long time
dealing with….

she called me a victim
but I know
I am not

she took the few things
that she knows
about my personal life
and threw them at me like knives
and did not allow me rebuttal

so why do I feel like such a failure?
why do I feel like I’ve somehow failed?