WyzWmn's World©

I’m a middle manager in a call center
representing a major US cell phone company

so I currently have 20 people on my team…
most of them are hugely smart and relatively sane “nice” folks – and I won’t lie – on the phones these people are way better versed in the vernacular of the job than I am – I’m the cheerlead/den mother/wicked witch of the west….jill of all trades/pencil pusher extraordinaire – that’s me!

a couple can get “iffy-er” than me on occasion and recently we’ve had a few…shall we say, “dull knives” added to our drawer

ok
so picture this…
each employee sits at a desk, each desk contains a phone, a keyboard, a mouse and a monitor

each rep’s job is to answer the phone and fix up the customer’s account via the dozen or so dedicated software packages that we use

all of the rep’s have inbound email, but not outbound
cos the company that shall remain nameless doesn’t trust them enough to allow them access
er something

to qualify for the job – you only have to be able to type at 20 words per minute…but you need to understand the basic concepts of dedicated software programs
and
well, you know….Windows

and you really need to understand the concept that time is money
so tick freakin tock people!
tick freakin tock!

every morning I start my day out with some sort of version of the proverbial “pep talk” (ish)…..
right after I whine about not being able to remember my own first name that is….

“everybody here?
is everybody present to the job at hand?
did everybody have a good night?
is everybody ready to go?
nobody killed the hubby er the wife er the kids last night right?
everybody got coffee? – no more coffee for you bob!
too tired? suck it up buttercup – we’re about to rock n roll here…”

every day it’s the same kinda stuff and every day I also have to make sure that they all start off on the same page….. cos that’s what they pay me the “not so big bucks for”

“everybody got the tools you need to do the job at hand?
everybody got all the forms you need? I’ve sent em out via email conservatively 20 times this month – so if you don’t have them it’s cos you haven’t saved em to your hard drive….need help with that? I can teach you”…”

rah! rah! rah!
sis boom bah!
you know the drill?

so today
one of the “dull knives”
spent an hour an 37 minutes
weeping
cos she can’t find the forms she needs

well first off….
she can’t find the information to tell her which form she needs cos she can’t find the program that will tell her what form she needs
she can’t find the program cos she closes all the “autoloaded” programs cos “they get in my way”
so
when all else fails – let’s weep!
she is so far outta her element I’m not sure we’re the same species

I give her some time to figure it out cos I’ve told her over and over
and
well
hope springs eternal

and then I remind her yet again for the umpteen billionth time that the forms she needs are in her email – cos I’ve been sending them over and over and showing her where to save them over and over
which brings on a whole new storm of weeping cos she’s got the emails but she can’t find the forms
then
she tells me “I’ve clicked and clicked and there’s no forms”
I go to look
and she’s clicking in the empty email

I point at the paper clip in the upper right hand corner of the email
“oh” she says
“what’s that?”
“it’s called a paper clip” says I….”it mean’s that there’s an attachment”
“what’s an attachment?”she says

holy crap!
here it is 10 pm and I still have a vein in my forehead throbbing out a rhythm in response to those tears

this is just wrong….
on soooo many levels
~ahem~

it literally made me howl….

Dear Kotex:

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of “Kotex Tips for Life” on it. Annoying advice such as:

Ø Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Ø Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Ø Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
Ø Try Kotex blah blah blah other products…

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell…but go ahead…I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya… See what happens and report back. I’ll wait.
While you’re at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggen-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps…well guess what, the only activities that interests me is eating, sleeping, bitching or crying for no apparent reason…and oh…does ripping someone’s head off count as a friggen’ activity?????

Look, females don’t need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful” crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. It’s not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don’t ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that…helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your ass.

PS How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead!!!