I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder…
stop reading here if you are not ready for some truths
the first time I was sexually assaulted I was 3 years old culminating in the abuser dying in front of me when I was 9. I was raped and sodomized by a friend when I was 28; in return I tried to kill him, which landed me in jail with an untidy court case. I have been declared legally dead twice by drs who then called my parents to come and identify my body.
I have been robbed at gunpoint and shot at. I have had over 700 stitches put in my face (at one time) my cheekbone and the bridge of my nose replaced, in my misspent youth I got involved with a gang and became the property of a despicable human being that sold me on my 21st birthday to a guy in a bar for the price of a whiskey coke.
The first major abdominal surgery of my life was when I was 21 days old. I’ve had a knee done, and I have broken my back. I have Crohns Disease (lost most of my hair and gained 100 lbs due to steroid intake) I have had Endometriosis as well as a Hiatus Hernia. I have chronic bronchitis; I have had 6 major tumor operations culminating in my surgery in Feb 03 to remove 17 lbs of tumors and scar tissue along with a hysterectomy for good measure.
I lost 6 members of my family in a 13 mth period and its only gonna get worse as the median age of my parents generation is 73 and there are 12 left to go my eldest cousin is 57 and there are currently 147 of us left the youngest being 38 and I’m about to turn 50 in July.
I don’t say all this to garner sympathy….contrary to what you may be thinking…
I say it so that you will understand that when I say I have PTSD I am not lying to you, when I tell ya I’ve been around the block, I’m not exaggerating.
As a result of the physical and sexual abuse I was a mean bitter violent woman for a long long time – a fact that was fueled by a genetic disposition towards violence that I inherited from my dad the cop…and probably the worst case of true PMS ever documented…I had screaming arguments with inanimate objects (like the iron when it didn’t heat up fast enough) and I was a mean cruel person – often reducing virtual strangers to tears and fears – just cos I could.
I mean I understand that I am the sum total of all that has happened in my life…that these occurrences are what makes me the caliber of person that I am…but as I get older and calmer and healthier betwixt my ears and in my heart…I literally don’t spend as much time thinking about the negative crap…
except for a couple of things…
I had a daughter when I was very young…and because I was able to recognize that I was very fucked up (on more levels than we should have to count) I went to the CAS and gave her up for adoption. I’ve never regretted the decision…but it does get harder as you get older (I successfully blocked it outta my head for so many years that I can’t remember what year she was born in…I can’t remember if I was 19/20/21?).
As with any parent, there is never a day that goes by that I don’t think of her…the difference for me as with other parents is that all my thoughts are conjecture…and I’m a control freak…so we both know how that boat floats with me…I’ve registered with the CAS so that should she ever wish to find me she can…but for all I know she could have got hit by a bus at 3.and I believe in my heart if I was one of them Jerry Springer type moms that just showed up on her doorstep and she didn’t know she was adopted…it would ruin her life…and that would veto what I set out to do in the first place…ya know?
The second thing that rears it’s ugly head at the strangest of times…is fear…huge anxiety issues (PSTD)…I’ve never in my life been able to just walk down a flight of stairs…always in my mind I think “wouldn’t it be awful if I feel down these stairs and smashed my teeth out”not that I don’t know that I couldn’t live without my bloody teeth…but just that anxiety…ya know?
I have been bent folded spindled and mutilated by the psychiatric community….one quack told me that all I had to do was to set some goals in my life and I would be cured??? I have spent more money on meds than most people earn in a lifetime…
The end result of my telling you all this is so I can get to the point that I can tell you that I have learned something here……..are ya ready?
This I know...negative attracts negative and positive attracts positive.
It is certainly easier to allow your cup to be half empty but that is a self fulfilling prophesy. We will be happier if we force ourselves to see it as half full.
Easier said than done, I know, only we can make that decision. Being negative and dwelling on the hardships/losses in our life becomes a habit just like brushing your teeth did.
I now take pleasure in the small things in life, in summer rain (grows flowers ya know) in sunshine, in friendships, in silence, in music, in color, in art, in grocery shopping in what ever.
I revel in my single-hood as it is the blessing that has allowed me to get healthy enough to have a strong healthy loving relationship when I am ready just like building healthy friendships.
Anyway…I’m a prime example of what ya can do when ya clean up yer act…altho I seem to have become the large economy sized version of what I can be at the moment…this too shall change. In the mean time I just slap a smile on my face and keep going eventually it becomes a habit too.
It’s a funny thing
I don’t often think of all that bad shite anymore…I work hard to remain in the moment and I try to think about the future.
good goddess I do go on.
