WyzWmn's World©

I’m afraid…
and I don’t mind admitting it

2 weeks ago
my father went to the dr
to see about a persistent cough

he had an xray
that turned into a CT scan
that turned into a broncoscopy

he has lung cancer

this is the healthy one
the guy that still rides his bike
all over creation
at 80

the guy who chops wood
and hauls furniture
and reads about Jesus
ad infinitum

the guy who spent many
many years of his life
working in palliative care
assisting others
through the process of coming to then end…

now we wait
for the results of his biopsy
with hope against hope
that it is not inoperable
that this isn’t
the beginning of a nasty end

the realist in me
knows it’s going to happen someday…
that doesn’t mean
I have to like it
or that I’m not horribly afraid that it’s going to happen now.

I’m a pretty open person
I wear my heart on my sleeve
I try always to do my best
I strive to be kind
I try more often than not to be nice

I don’t succeed all the time
but I sure do try

being this type of a person
constantly puts me in the position
to be taken advantage of
or to be used
or to be hurt
by mean spirited
self absorbed
conniving
people

I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea
but even if you don’t agree with me
you must needs be civil.

most days I can handle it
when people aren’t

today however?
not so much

my feels good
got stomped on but good today
and as much as most of the people involved
say it’s not me
and I don’t have to own it

I tried really really hard
to not have this happen

and still it did.

I’d rather just not do it anymore.

I’m weary
tired of everything being so hard
tired of trying so hard
tired of the backlash
tired of never coming out on top
just
plain
weary.