feeling judged.

today is the anniversary
of my father’s passing

I was doing pretty good
for most of the day
but there’s been
a couple of blows
this evening
that rocked me

what exactly is it
that makes people
be mean
when they are hurting?

I’ve know
for most of my life
that my sister
doesn’t like me
she doesn’t approve of me
and
she won’t speak of it
she says that she’s
an “avoid conflict” type

but I think that’s
bullshit
I think she’s
a “take cheap shots”
person
a “judging person”
and a mean person

not always
but there is always
that underlying
negativity there

so back to today
I was doing ok
until this evening
when she sent an email out
to our extended family
about our dad’s passing
that completely, totally
ignored me

she spoke of how
she and my brother
“busted ass”
to make his life better
as he was dying

and they did
but frankly
I was there for months
prior to her flying in
like an avenging angel
for the last few months

there wasn’t room at his home
for both of us to be there
and since I’d been there
for so much already
I went home
to allow her to have her time with him

apparently
from what she sent today
she feels that makes her
some kind “good daughter”
and me not so much

she spends a lot of her time
talking about
how she was never loved

but that’s not true
I’ve been proud of her
her whole life
her career is hard
but she’s done amazingly
at it

and I have loved her
for more than 50 years.

this is not the first time
her being mean
has hurt me
and it won’t likely be the last

but I’m now feeling
like I’ve been allowing her
to have access to my feelings
to abuse
for too many years

I think I’m done.

My mother once said
I needed to forgive her
I don’t know why
but I also know
that calling her on her
behaviour
will affect no one but me

so
I’m done

now I love her, but I don’t like her much

having my feelings hurt
causes me to fall into
old practices
like eating chocolates
instead of supper

that’s my fault
I hope going forward
I’m strong enough
to not let
her being mean
and judging me
not effect me
I hope I’m strong enough
to break old habits
and continue getting healthy

cos frankly
at my house
it ain’t
all about her
it’s all about me!

I loved my dad
we didn’t see eye to eye
on a lot
for a long time
but we got better at it
we worked at it
and I know he loved me.

and that’s a blessing.

I miss him every day
some more than others
but every day…

I just seem to be better
at dealing with it
that some.

for some reason that defies explanation

I have Bill Wither’s singing “Grandma’s Hands” stuck in my head now

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…death

I seem to have come to an age
where death is a constant companion…

Kate Spade
Alan O’Neill
Anthony Bourdain…
school shootings
tragic accidents
the Middle East conflicts

hearing the news
certainly seems
to be trying
to set the tone
for my day

I refuse…
I don’t want to
be sad all day

least of all
abour people
I’ve never
actually met

I wonder
we’re we better off
before social media?

was it easier
to be happy
without
all this negative news
over breakfast?

or is this just
adulting
at its finest?

I don’t know
the answer

but I do know
this
one
thing

No matter how sick or sad or lonely or broke or desperate…

Suicide is never the answer.

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