Hmmmm?

I’m thinking
about
coming back
a
lot…

hold
on
to
your
hats!

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….hold that line.

I’m tired today
And it’s made me pissy

I’m frustrated with my body’s
Constant betrayal

I’m frustrated by having to couch
My food choice
Down that fine line
Between
What works for Crohn’s Disease
What works for Diabetes
What works for Gerd
Arthritis
Chest wall pain syndrome
Etc etc

I don’t drink, smoke, have sex or do drugs
I’d kill to be able to eat comfort food
But I’m stretched too close to the boundaries
Of my bodies limits
too closely already

So I’ll just sit here and stew.

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Depression

Here’s the thing about depression
That I never understood
Before it became
Such a deciding factor
In my life

I don’t know if it’s the depression
Or the meds
But….

I.don’t.care.

I look at the overflowing garbage
And I think:
” I should really take that out”
But I don’t care

I look at the dishes in the sink
And I think:
“I should put those in the dishwasher”
But I don’t care

I look at the pile of laundry to be run
And I think:
“I should run a load or two”
But I don’t care

I hear the phone ring
And I think
“I should answer that”
But I don’t care

I used to be consumed by guilt
And anxiety
Over the state of my home
The need to look presentable
The need to be on time
The need to succeed
But I don’t care

Every morning
I get out of bed
And I say:
“Today I will accomplish this”
I even make lists
But I don’t care

I often set myself small goals
Have a shower
Put pants on
Take the dog for a walk
But I don’t care

So when I look up…
It’s dark outside
And I’ve done nothing
But it’s ok
Cos
I.dont.care.

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Truth?

Roiling
Like a boat
On the sea
Bobbing weaving
Turning round
And round

Up one wave
Down the next
Never knowing for sure
If I’m going
To make it

Time
Patience
Mindfulness
Vs
Intolerance
Anger
Fear

What to do?
How many more shocks
Do I need
Before
One grand swell
Crushes me

All these years
Believing
The best
Only
To find out
Maybe
They are all right

All those negative
Mean voices
Could just be correct
And I may just be
What I’ve feared
the most

Alone
Always
Alone

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Blog Blast For Peace!

All we need is love…

dona nobis pacem

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The horns of a dilemma…

I ride when I can I 1974 VW trike it’s very old school. Over the years she’s taken on the personality of her own including her nickname The Pickle. She’s as well known in the motorcycling community as I am.

Last winter an acquaintance offered to purchase her from me as a project for the winter. I couldn’t bear the thought of her being anything but The Pickle and the amount of money he offered me was laughable considering the memories she and I share.

The orthopaedic surgeon says I’ll likely not need my shoulder replaced but also that I may not have full range of motion once I’m healed. The Pickle contains a regular Volkswagen bug transmission turned on its left side which means I shift with my left arm in a regular H pattern one at the bottom two above and four across from two.

I don’t know if I’ll still be able to shift?

In a perfect world I have proper storage for her and I’d be able to buy the trike of my dreams something contains great shocks…. something more than a springer front end…. something that doesn’t need Fiberglass work and to be rewired…or paint…with a lovely Barca lounger type seat…that doesn’t need a speedo for that matter…and of course tires.

But I apparently don’t live in the perfect world…and I currently don’t have the money to repair her….so here she sits,..under canvas in my yard.

Should I sell her? Likely
Will I?
Remains to be seen

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Living in Fear….

I just watch Selma

It huts my heart
to know that
this actually happened
in my lifetime

I was 10 in 1965
living in a small town
in Ontario Canada

As a white child
I knew nothing
of Selma Alabama

I remember
my parents horror
at the news
of events
as they transpired

but a white child
In a liberal community
in the great whit north
I had no real understanding

I still barely
understand.

This I do know…
If we are not vigilant,
If we just spend our lives
with our eyes closed…
relying on those in charge
to make the right decisions
and do what’s right
for mankind…

…we will lose
we will lose to apathy
we will lose to those
willing to step up
and take charge
with ignorance
and force
with violence
and hate
and fear

..hate and violence
are learned responses

gut responses to fear
fear of change
fear of loss
fear of differences

fear and violence
taught at the knees
of people suffering
from fear

Can we not learn
from our past?

There’s a great deal
of dissent
about some of the
representations
in the movie Selma

Instead of bitching
about the right and wrong
of representations

Can we not learn from
what we know happened?
what we have seen
live footage of?

Or are we already
living in fear?

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Spring in Victoria…February 6, 2014

I did not take these images…I do not own them….they are just part of the beauty to be found where I live…and I had a very good day today!  The photos belong to Victoria Buzz (www.victoriabuzz.com) imageimage

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And so it goes…

I spent this past weekend in the hospital with gall bladder issues

I experienced a level of pain I’ve not had in a long time…My brother said that I looked and acted like a woman in labour – couldn’t sit/stand or lay down

Because emergency literally can’t do anything for you except mask/alleviate the pain, they did an ultra sound and showed me how enlarged and angry the gall bladder is…I wanted to kick the Dr in the head it hurt so bad…

They give you lots of fluids (in hopes the stone will flush out of the duct and stop the pain) If it persists they send you to a surgeon and they try blasting the stone with laser. And if that doesn’t work surgery to remove it…Apparently there is a rather long waiting list for surgery…

And apparently I’m lucky in that the morphine they gave me stopped the pain and knocked me out…So they sent me home with some extra morphine and admonished me to drink lots of water. (which I haven’t had to take as yet)

Here’s hoping that doesn’t happen again.

That makes the “sick” list now officially at 22 items:

  1. Born with pyloric stenosis – first surgery at 21 days
  2. had endometriosis – seems to have been stopped by hysterectomy
  3. had a dermoids cyst causing an ovary to be removed
  4. Had ACL reconstruction couple with Patella/Quadriceps tendon repair
  5. Experimented with all of the street drugs available until the late 80’s
  6. Crohn’s Disease
  7. PTSD (caused by sexual abuse, verbal and physical abuse as well as being stabbed)
  8. hiatus hernia
  9. high blood pressure/hypertension
  10. HRT
  11. atherosclerosis
  12. arthritis
  13. Cogan’s Dystrophy
  14. Diabetes Type 2 (insulin dependent)
  15. Achilles tendinitis as well as right arm to shoulder, right hip and knee
  16. Morbid Obesity
  17. Androgenic (idiopathic) Alopecia
  18. Asthma/Bronchitis
  19. Capsicum Allergy
  20. Septic arthritis hips, knees and shoulders
  21. Gerd
  22. Gall Bladder isusues

I came to work this morning and found a book on the way in called “Living a Healthy Life with Chronic Conditions” for free!
Can’t beat that eh?  Seems like it was made for me eh?

So I’m at work  today …But I wouldn’t say I’m playing with a completely full deck of cards

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American Sniper….

started watching this movie last night
took me 3 tries to get through it.

here’s what I think:

Although I have not served ( was never healthy enough to get into service). I have a personal ethic of respect for people that give their lives in service to their country and the people in it.

I think that a movie like this…while heartbreaking and very hard to watch, don’t happen often enough…people need to have a clearer understanding on a visceral level what war can and will do to humanity.

I am not glorifying war…I am speaking only about the reality that those that have not served can only imagine.  Every man and woman in North America should thank their lucky stars that there are people willing to do the job knowing full well the consequences…and they should step up to the plate to do whatever is necessary to assist those same people when they come home. What.fucking.ever.

that.is.all.

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