is it worth it?

re-watching Glee
weeping like a baby

nothing like
some voices raised 
and teenage angst
to make me emotional

I’ve realized something though…
I’ve not really reacted emotionally
to much of anything
since I started on antidepressants
years ago…

Not for years
oh – i’m still mouthy
but the feelings
are no longer there

I don’t think I even cried
when my dad died
or
my mom had to go to a home

So
The question becomes

is dealing with
the physical and emotional
anxiety symptoms
and the black hole
called depression
without going back on the meds
worth it?

or

is experiencing the emotional highs
the joy
the laughter 
and the returning 
ability to write
the ability to feel emotion
worth the cost?

what if I were to lose
my temper
like in the “old days”

what if I hurt myself
or even worse
someone else

is the ability
to find joy
or write
worth
losing control?

Why is controling myself
so important
why is there such a need
for me to be
appearing “normal”

was who I used to be
really so bad?

is it worth it?

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I’m tired…

I’m tired

I’m tired of trying so hard
I’m tired of giving a shit
I’m tired of being broke
I’m tired of failing
I’m tired of being in limbo
I’m tired of feeling bad…sad…less than

On Friday
I turn 62 years of age
And here I am trying (tiredly)
To start over yet again

I’m tired of following the rules
I’m tired of being nice
I’m tired of fighting to be normal
I’m tired of hope
I’m tired of refusal
I’m tired of vertigo
I’m tired of being on the verge of tears
I’m tired of having no more options

I want to scream and holler and rail against the gods
But mostly I’m too tired

 

 

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