Comfort food…

Ok
You know you’ve been stuck in the house too long when you get excited about the prospect of making meatloaf…. I am definitely a carnivore and making meatloaf not only warms my house but it warms me and reminds me of my dad who was a regular meat loaf maker!

In other news it’s cold here …colder than usual for the West Coast… which is only scary because we have a very good ice base from the ground being so wet prior to the little bit of snow we got and the top of our driveway is frozen like a skating rink…we have a gate at the top of our driveway now and the sensors are about 20 feet from the gate there also happens to be a little hill there so right now in order to get out we have to drive up to the sensors wait until they trigger the gate to open and then back up down the driveway to take a running start at the icy hill… The landlord drives an SUV so he’s having no trouble the rest of us don’t and I’ve watched the woman next-door and the guy that lives in the other building takes six or seven tries to get up the driveway and onto the road…it’s been a real lesson in patience for me. And i’m enough of a control freak that I want to get out and show them how to do it but I’m not because that would be rude.

Other than that life is pretty quiet here for me right now I’m still not working the union and HR are discussing and sadly the university is about to close for the winter break so I’m likely not to be working until January.

So it’s my electric fireplace a good book and Netflix while I wait for this meatloaf to cook…. I can’t get over how excited I am about comfort food you’d think I was 6 not 61 lol

Doesn’t compare to snow in the north..and I find I don’t miss that at all.

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I’m tired….

I’m tired

I’m tired of having no job; therefore no income
none – since February

I’m tired of robbing peter
to pay paul

I’m tired of being overqualified
for “would you like fries with that?” jobs

I’m tired of feeling
less than

I’m tired of
being depressed

I’m tired of
being bored

I’m tired of not being able to
meet my financial commitments

I’m tired of not being able
to buy the food I want/need

I’m tired of having to borrow
to pay my rent

I’m tired of being worried
about money

I’m tired of wanting new books
and not affording it

I’m tired of understanding that
there will be no holidays again this year

I’m tired of explaining to bill collectors
that I have no income

I’m tired of hoping
this too shall pass

I’m tired of waiting
for my union and HR to get at it

I’m tired of waiting for
Dr appointments

I’m tired of
waiting

I’m tired of feeling
like there is no end in sight

I’m tired of putting on
a stiff upper lip

I’m tired of hiding
so much of this from family and friends

I’m tired
that.is.all.

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Dona Nobis Pacem

Blog Blast For Peace!

One voice
One subject
One day…

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Let there be peace
Let it begin with me…

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I’ve fallen and I can’t get up….

As some of you may know I’ve been sick for a long time, pretty much all my life…the combination of life long health issues and stress that was work-related made me leave work on sickness leave in June 2015. In July 2015 on my way home from the Gathering in Arkansas, I fell and broke my left shoulder which just served to compound everything. I’m still not back to work as I’ve since had several surgeries to correct health issues and now have a cpap machine so that I am sleeping better than I have in years.

I feel good.

What you don’t know is that I’ve been involved with a bariatric program here for 2 years in hope of qualifying for a gastric sleeve surgery to loose weight. The program consists of classes and counseling to find out the why of your obesity in hopes that this preparation will assist you in being successful. You work with an internit, a shrink, an endocrinologist, a dietician and an obesity counselor as well as the bariatric surgeon. Last Friday I was finally approved for surgery…likely in the new year.

This is not an attempt at taking the easy way out…I’ve worked hard and this is a last resort and a tool for me to use.

One of my main motivations for wanting to have bariatric surgery was to lose the weight to relieve my hips and knees and lower back that I broke in the 80’s so that I could start exercising (right now I can’t stand for 20 min without pain…and walking is a very short process) to be able to hopefully develop muscles that I have lost over the many years I’ve been ill (not the only reason but high on my list of many reasons).

This morning I fell in my den.

It was a stupid little stumble that caused me rug burn on my elbows and knees ….however, I was close to an hour trying to get up off the floor… I can’t kneel cos I have one knee cap that doesn’t actually hit the floor due to a crap surgery 30 yrs ago and the other one has a large cyst on it… I don’t have the strength in my legs to push myself up from the floor if I can get my feet under me and I barely the strength in my arms to pull myself up. As a result it took the better part of an hour for me to try different ways to get up and eventually drag myself into the kitchen and use handles on my kitchen drawers to help me get some leverage to get standing. Both frustrating and embarrassing.

It’s humbling to realize that at 61 yrs of age my health is getting better but physically I’m in worse shape than my 87 year-old mother.

I can not wait for bariatric surgery.

In love and light

Wyz💚

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Crab fest Baby!

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Fear…

for the first time
in my life
there is no fall back
no pocket to pull from
truly nothing left

I try and try
to remain positive
to pretend to be
scarlett…
“Tomorrow is another day”

but I’m honestly
at my wits end

just how the fuck
am I going to
make it through
this mess
this time?

in spite of feeling
so much better
for the first time
in many years

I’m stymied
I stand to lose
it all

at what price?

I’m afraid.

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Unauthentic communication or no communication at all?

something has happened
to humanity
under the auspices
of social media…
of full on communication

with Facebook
and Twitter
and Instagram
and Snapchat
etc

it’s all about the memes
and no so much with the
saying what you mean
and meaning what you say

we don’t talk personally anymore
we grab a meme and pretend
it’s what we mean

so when someone
does post something
heartfelt
it comes across
incorrectly
or whether
the person is interesting
and smart
and articulate
or not
we gather
on their posts
like
vultures…

when I first
started blogging
it wasn’t about
making money
or a living
with my smart mouth
and quick fingers

it was about
sharing my thoughts
with whomever wanted
to read them
but mostly
it was about
keeping myself
from losing my mind

now days
most of the “real life” bloggers
are gone
and people that blog
strive to be trendy
pretty
and make money
everyone thinks
it’s easy
but it ain’t
…not so much
with the deep
discussion worthy posts

here’s a couple of things
that have happened
as a result
of social media
in my opinion

people don’t talk
they make assumptions
rather than talk
and often they believe
that their
interpretation
is what you really meant

friends assume
you will be able to
understand their positions
by reading memes
or making your pictures
pretty or goofy

people don’t have
deep conversations
without making
an appointment
or a date for a meal

I’m just as
at fault as everyone else

here’s hoping
I can get my blog
back on

so I can talk
about items that
strike me
when I need to

onward and upward
as they say.

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I dream…

Of wild women
Sisterhood
Fire dancing
Drumming
Chanting
The earth
The air
The fire
The water
Return
Return
Return
Return

I wake
Happy
Relaxed
It will be
A good day

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Hmmmm?

I’m thinking
about
coming back
a
lot…

hold
on
to
your
hats!

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….hold that line.

I’m tired today
And it’s made me pissy

I’m frustrated with my body’s
Constant betrayal

I’m frustrated by having to couch
My food choice
Down that fine line
Between
What works for Crohn’s Disease
What works for Diabetes
What works for Gerd
Arthritis
Chest wall pain syndrome
Etc etc

I don’t drink, smoke, have sex or do drugs
I’d kill to be able to eat comfort food
But I’m stretched too close to the boundaries
Of my bodies limits
too closely already

So I’ll just sit here and stew.

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