annnnnd…we’re back!
I hope for good
but we’ll see eh?
I stopped writing regularly
for a couple of reasons
one being that the place
that I work
has eyes and ears
everywhere
and the other being
the antidepressant
one of my Dr’s put me on
I used the antidepressant
as an excuse to stop
doing all sorts of things
like housework
writing
eating properly
meditating
taking my meds
all those things
that I’d used
over the years
to de-stress
and to be me.
recently
at the suggestion
of my therapist
I’ve started again
and frankly
my hands hurt if
I physically try
to journal manually
so back I am
no promises
but back I am
so…
things have piled up
as they say
all of them having an
effect on me
I got ill last year
was off work for
14 weeks
almost cashed in
but I didn’t
and I discovered
a couple of things
about my health
and my head
went back to work in Apr
but my brain wasn’t right
I no longer have the ability
to multitask
my short term memory
is toast
which of course
terrified me
because of what’s happened
to the VoD
and her Mom as well
things imploded work wise
in the fall
it was horrible
and sometimes still is
the stress that I have
been under
has been enormous
and in early Dec
I decided
that I could
no longer
just put my head down
and make my way thru it
I’m a survivor
I’ve been through a lot
just by putting my head down
and bulling my way through
all my life
my response to hurt
has been anger
over the last 20 or so years
I’ve attempted to
not respond with physical anger
but the anger didn’t go away
when my dad died
I lost it
then it was like losing my Mom
a year later
when we had to put her in a home
due to her memory loss
when my dad died
I lost the place that I
communed with nature
and spirit
I stopped meditating
and I stopped eating
like a diabetic
so…as a result
of the physical
manifestations of stress
I am seeing an occupational therapist
and a therapist
and I’ve had a couple
of little epiphanies
one of them was
to begin writing again
catharsis I guess
one was to find
a new housekeeper
since mine is now working
in Kitamat
here’s the biggest one
so far anyway
I hum all the time
if I’m not humming
I’m singing a stanza
from a song
or talking to myself
I drive me crazy
but I also drive
those around me
nuts
I remember a time
25 years ago
when my sister and I
ended up
sharing a room
in a bush camp
we were both working in
she said to me one day:
“are you aware that
there is not one minute,
one second in a 24 hr
period that you do not
make noise? you even
hum or whimper in
your sleep!”
over the last few years
on my job
as my stress levels
got more intense
my noise go more so
the more stressed I am
the more noise I make
and here’s the catch
I don’t know I’m doing it
it’s not like
I’m singing arias
but I am talking
to myself or humming
under my breath
all the time
and the people
I share space with
in our office
will not
can not
alert me to the fact
I’ve tried to ask them
to throw an eraser at me
or something like a nerf ball
to snap me outta it
but they won’t
they can’t
so it’s been miserable
and the more pressure I’m under
to not make noise
the worse it gets…
the more noise I make
cos I’m stressing about
making the noise
as well as
trying not to
viscous circle or what?
so I’m with the therapist
last week
and she says
“when do you think
you starting making noise?”
I respond with
“my mother has told me
in the past
that I started at about 3
singing myself to sleep
and rocking”
she says “and when
did the abuse start?”
I respond unthinkingly
“when I was 3…”
“oh”
and she says “so…
you have been self-soothing
for over 50 years…and
we have tools to help you”
little epiphanies eh?
colour me gobsmacked!
