I’m in my late 20’s
and at a party
getting drunk
and high
I’m having fun!
at some point
after dark
and in the middle of the night
with the full moon bright
I decide I want to go home
i’m living in a small town
the party is in a town
a couple of miles away
it’s late summer – early fall
a full moon
and I drunkenly decide
to walk home
stupid idea
I’m wearing jeans,
very high heel boots
and a while peplum blazer
but off I go
into the darkness
listening to my Walkman
wearing headphones
and singing along
drunkenly
the road is blisteringly dark
I’m walking/stumbling along
listening to the click of my heels
on the pavement
all loose jointed
and silly
I realize
I’m definitely wearing the wrong boots
for a long walk
but I laugh at myself
because I’m still drunk\high
I keep walking
there’s a curve in the road
ahead
an abandoned gas station
across the road on my left
grass strewn ditch
and high rock cut to my right
no lights anywhere
just the full moon
offering eerie
illumination
both ahead
and behind
something makes me uncomfortable
my gut?
I pull off my headphones
and hear footsteps
coming from the gas station
in my drunken wisdom
I know that this person
means me no harm
so I continue to hum
and dance down the road
just about the time
I convince myself
that I didn’t hear anything
and struggle to drunkenly put
my headphones on
I am grabbed from behind
one hand over my mouth
and one strong muscular arm
around my waist
things become slow motion
yet seem to happen
as fast as lightening
I struggle
trying to get away
I stumble
and he tightens his hold a little
we tumble into the ditch
I reach over my own head
and grab a violent
fistful of thick bristly hair
I yank
and struggle
and scream
while this man
wrestles to get control
by the light of the moon
I see his cheek and jaw
and I see pockmarked scars
little dark craters
from years of picking
I never stop struggling
and I rip out a handful of his hair
I continue to scream
till I’m hoarse
and now he’s muttering vile names
with fetid breath
eventually
somehow
he smacks my head
on a rock
and I see stars
then nothing
that’s the last I remember
till I wake up the next morning
naked
bruised
bloody
ill
in the abandoned gas station
it’s pouring rain
I know
I’ve been hurt
but I have no memory
but for the breif glimpse
of his skin and hair
and the rancid smell
of rotten teeth
I am alone
I take my time
whimpering
shivering
fearful
as I find my clothes
and my boots
I dress
shivering and shaking
my white peplum blazer
is grass stained filthy
and my jeans are torn
as is my tshirt
but I dress the best I can
eventually fear
overcomes me
and I continue my walk
to the town I live in
in my mind
I’m completely
empty of thought
I’m not happy or sad or scared
empty
but I’m cold
shivering
and it’s raining
I know I have visible
marks
a swollen cracked lip
a puffy, bruised face
I refuse to look at my body
as I get to town
as I take a shortcut
across the grocery store
parking lot
a car pulls up
and it’s him!
he laughs
and blows kisses at me
then parks and gets out of his car
and heads into a cafe
I just stand in the road
and stare
I have no idea
what to say?
what to do?
what happened?
but I do
I just stand in the road
and shake
water streaming down my face
hair soaked
and hanging around my head and shoulders
the friend of a friend
walks toward me
he too is wet
he’s wearing
one of those yellow
work raincoats
he says nothing
he just stands and stares at me
I tell no-one
I’m scared
and ashamed
I tell no one.
**************************************
now I’m awake
and I wonder
is this a memory?
or
my brain playing tricks?
I have so many years
that I still can’t account for
and it’s so damn real
I do have to wonder how I can remember
in such detail
the way I look
the smell
the struggle
screaming myself hoarse
if it’s just my mind?
if it’s just a dream?
