once upon a time
I was fearless
now I am fearful
and feel futile
“what happened?” one asks
Brain Damage…in a word?
Concussion
actually “accumulated brain damage
as a result of repeated concussions
and years of medical interference
due to large amounts of medications ongoing”
sounds intense eh?
it is…
and
it isn’t.
I’m still intelligent
and articulate
but I have issues brain-wise…
I was first diagnosed in 2015
and it’s taken me a long long time
to come to grips
with my current
limitations
I’ve lost a 40 yr career
as an administrator
because I no longer recognize
when my work is wrong
yet I’m calmer
than I have ever been
in my life
I no longer suffer from rages (nor do my friends and family)
but I’m sad and depressed a lot (big dark hole depressed)
and of course
have the added pressure
of several
autoimmune diseases
So I had this whole meltdown yesterday about my new G.I.
saying that my Crohn’s is mild and my upper G.I. is normal…
I had myself convinced that I’m a hypochondriac
and all of the symptoms are a figment of my imagination
My counselor talked me down….
so I’ve been doing some research on signs and symptoms of adrenal diseases
(because that is what the endo is researching on my behalf)
just about every symptom I have
except for the screaming trots in the morning’s
can be attributed to brain injury or adrenal diseases….
I am absolutely flabbergasted at how many of the symptoms
I have and have had for most of my life
can be attributed to brain injuries….
Holy shit Batman, it’s amazing to me that I got as far as I did.
one of the things
that is really hard to do
is to focus on today
to not spend a great deal of time
living in the past
or hoping for
grandiose things in the future…
And by grandiose I mean
getting back to what I perceive as normal
so what is important for me
to do is to live in the moment
and be happy with what I do have
it really is hard to narrow my focus to the now…
and not get caught up in movies and maybe if’s
I think I can honestly say that
I was type A for a long time in my life…
I sure as hell ain’t now lol
Which leads me to another statement
about the way, my brain works now…
I used to joke around
about having ADOS
(attention deficit oh shiny)
but when that occurred
I was always able to go back
to my original thoughts and plans
without losing anything in the translation…
There simply is no translation now.
if I start to do something and lose
for whatever reason, my train of thought
I often don’t go back to that train of thought
for days
which is why things don’t get accomplished the way I used to
there’s a futility that comes
with not understanding
that what you’ve done
for the majority of you life
easily
no longer works
how does one move on
at 63 almost 64 years of age?
I likely only have about a year
of work time left
so
what to do?
“would you like fries with that?”
looks ike it may be my only option
I keep applying for jobs
like I used to
proud of my accomplishments etc
but I’m overqualified
for everything retail
and have no experience
in that
I often have
days and days
where I get nothing accomplished
because of depression
so I’ve finally decided to apply
for disability
which brings with it
a whole new set of
inconsistencies
for instance
in this province
you are given $375 a month
for shelter…
in Victoria?
where a 1 room bachelor suite
is $1350
but they are telling me I have to move
it’s no wonder
so many people are homeless here
but still
I will strive
to find something
to make life liveable
once upon a time
I was fearless
now?
not so much
